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Sexual Orientation Confusion

Men Therapy Toronto - Intimacy


It is imperative to begin by clearly expressing that there is no judgment on what one’s sexual orientation actually is. The discussion below is not about changing or repairing one sexual orientation to another. We honor, value, and accept all men equally regardless of sexual orientation. This section below is specifically about sexual orientation confusion. It is about feeling trapped or stuck by never feeling comfortable or knowing for sure what one’s sexual orientation is.

Sexual orientation confusion is a deeply common experience for many men but so rarely spoken about.  Those three simple words, “Am I Gay?” or “Could I be Gay?” can have a tremendous impact on a man and all the relationships in the man’s life. Sexual orientation confusion is not explicitly about determining what one’s sexual orientation actually is but rather it is more about moving through the feeling of confusion. It is that feeling of not knowing for sure what one’s sexual orientation is that creates much pain in a man’s life.

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Sexual Orientation Confusion Explained

The ultimate truth about sexual orientation is that there is absolutely no concrete way of knowing for sure what one’s sexual orientation actually is. Sexual orientation is a deeply subjective experience. The simple fact that there is no objective way of knowing for sure is what causes so much pain in men. If somehow there were a magical blood test that if taken could determine with certainty one’s sexual orientation it would not be surprising if the majority of men on the planet rushed to take it. Even the most heterosexual of men.

Sexual orientation confusion is often connected with pains that took place in early development. These pains or hurts would have shaped how a man feels about himself and negatively affect the subsequent sexual experiences. For example, if a child is sexually abused that specific trauma will affect how the child feels about themselves. The negative expression of self will be present as the child grows in sexual development. Often the resulting sexual experiences which are now framed through a negative sense of self will create negative sexual experiences. These negative sexual experiences reinforce a sense of sexual orientation confusion and a man travels down further into the confusion.

Conversely, men who have healthy, positive sexual experiences grow in confidence with regard to their sexual orientation. Each positive and healthy experience simply reinforces one’s sense of self as a sexual being and as a result, they will not experience a sense of confusion around their sexual orientation. For example, a young homosexual man would first feel drawn to other men. This man would then venture to have a healthy sexual experience with another man. If the experience is positive the man will grow in confidence and comfort in their sexual orientation. This is not to suggest that the homosexual man will not at times feel attracted to women. They may but it will be experienced as a curiosity and not lead to a sense of sexual orientation confusion. The exact same is true for a heterosexual man.

Treatment Sexual Orientation Confusion

IMPORTANT: Treatment is NOT about moving from one sexual orientation to another.

Treatment for men with sexual orientation confusion is often counter-intuitive as it requires no longer trying to determine what one’s sexual orientation actually is. A therapist and client can spend weeks, months, and years going in circles trying to help uncover the ‘true’ or ‘authentic’ sexual orientation of the individual. The treatment is primarily focused on trying to learn how to live with the confusion and not have it control the life of the man. At that point, the man will need to move more closely to doing activities that his sexual orientation confusion would have precluded him from doing in the past. Of course, there will also be required a detailed look at the childhood history of the client.

Yes, it is absolutely positive to have gone years feeling trapped by the confusion to a place of complete freedom.


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