A Different Kind of Masculinity
A Different Kind of Masculinity
Authentic masculinity means deciding what masculinity means for you.
Tenderness does not have to cancel strength. Vulnerability does not have to cancel confidence. Asking for help does not have to cancel independence.
So often do I have to remind clients that I have worked with that the concepts of “Courage” and “Bravery”, so often linked to masculinity, fundamentally require vulnerability. They cannot exist without it. A quick google-search for “famous quotes about courage and fear” shows pages-upon-pages of thought leaders throughout the ages making this connection.
Moving towards tenderness, care, and compassion does not mean moving away from masculinity. Your masculinity can include all of these things if they genuinely fit the person you are becoming, or want to become.
Roy Kent: Strength Without the Armour
Consider Roy Kent, portrayed by Brent Goldstein in the show Ted Lasso (Sudeikis et al., 2020-present).
Roy begins as an intimidating, emotionally guarded professional athlete.
• He is strong…
◦ (…and believes he hides a chronic knee injury really well).
• He tells it like it is…
◦ (…while hiding behind copious amounts of gruff sarcasm).
• He is angry, and tough enough to handle anything…
◦ (…and is deeply uncomfortable with emotional exposure).
But his development does not require him to abandon his toughness and become someone entirely different.
Throughout the show, we see him gradually become more emotionally present. He learns to comfort people, communicate vulnerability, and allow himself to be seen. Roy’s movement from emotional suppression toward emotional presence is a main part of the show’s broader reconstruction of masculinity away from rigid social constructions, and towards promoting a healthier, more sustainable, authentic masculinity.
Roy models a useful picture of integrated change. Roy doesn’t become less Roy. In fact, he becomes more Roy. The goal is not to replace one identity with another. It is to make room for more of yourself.
So What Does Change Look Like?
Personal integrated change might begin with a simple question:
• If shame and other people’s expectations were not making this decision for me, what kind of man would I want to be?
From there, you can become curious. For me, sometimes this curious part of myself takes on the voice of David Attenborough or Steve Irwin as it observes my different emotional experiences out in the wild. Sometimes it simply says, “Woof,” like Harrison Ford’s character, Paul, in Shrinking (Lawrence, Segel, & Goldstein, 2023-present).
In your own reflection, or together with your therapist, I encourage you to explore some of the questions below:
• What do you value?
• What behaviours move you toward those values?
• What behaviours move you away?
• What parts of you are trying to protect you through using those avoidance behaviours?
• What emotions are you trying not to experience?
• What does authentic masculinity look like when it is defined by you rather than performed for someone else?
And perhaps most importantly:
• Can you take responsibility for your behaviour without turning your behaviour into your identity?
Integrity and authentic change is not about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming increasingly honest…
• with yourself.
• with the people you love.
• and with the values you want to represent.
Sometimes the most meaningful change is not becoming someone else, it is finally becoming whole enough to be yourself.
Lawrence, B., Segel, J., & Goldstein, B. (Executive Producers). (2023–present). Shrinking [TV series]. Apple TV+.
Sudeikis, J., Lawrence, B., Hunt, B., & Kelly, J. (Developers). (2020–present). Ted Lasso [TV series]. Apple TV+.
